airportstory

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 11:30:35 GMT

Im sorry if I've been a bad LJ friend. I promise I will start commenting onpeoples posts and being active in communities, I just need to

A. Finish packing for college

- why this poses a challenge? my sister went to Cabbo, and my sister is notorious for overpacking. She went away for 1 week, (the week I happen to be going to college) and took the duffel bag I was going to use to go to college with. Uh.... Seriously, there are no other duffle bags in my house, and I am broke. And she is in Cabbo. Seriously, I have no idea what to do.

B. Go to college

- I have to get up at like 5AM on Saturday, go to Chicago all by myself, figure out where my college is, where the dorm is, and unpack and do all sorts of orientation things. I'm betting that orientation will be all about "learning to live in your new surroundings" which ps, I need no help learning how to do.

C. Clean my moms house.

- She went away to mass. this weekend, and she expects to come home to a sparkling house. 1. my idea of clean and moms idea of clean = very different. In an effort to meet her expectations, I ended up scrubbing the walls with bleach (In the kitchen. Shes been complaining that they are yellow compared to our new oven. Well, mom, this is why we shouldnt have gotten a white oven.) Of course I get over obsessed and OCD about my bleaching and my artistic eye can spot any discoloration between one cabinet and the other. I begin taking this obsession to the bathroom, the upstairs bathroom, the cabinets. I start cleaning the mini blinds from the window.

This is actually pretty funny. I was cleaning the mini blinds outside and bleaching and hosing them down, but i began to take things a little too personally. like, if one blind stuck to the other one in my head I was thinking "Oh you, trying to hide, well I found you!" and when i find dirt Im like "AHA! I got ya!" and then I begin thinking about how I can make a mini blind cleaning business.

Anyway, this is why I dont like cleaning. Because I'm completely insane. My mom says Im the dirtiest person alive, but thats only because I know that when I start cleaning I get crazy. My mom has never actually witnessed this, but I know it happens. So I never clean. Especially not right before I go to college, because Im already under stress, so I take it out on everything dirty around me.

This started happening with ecerything, cleaning the mirrors and seeing streaks, and furiously using my technical skills to rid the mirror of these streaks. The only thing left to do is vacuum, but I dread the vaccuum because it's hard to use, and I am relentless.

It's also pretty frustrating trying to swee p when my kitten thinks Im playing a game with him. Urgh. No, Jack, go away. He also finds it remarkable how quickly my fingers move when i thype, and right now he is attacking my arm. Urgh.

- Since I ate so much the other night at my dads house, i haven't lost any weight. All I've eaten in the past 2 days is a can of Tuna. I split it into intervals so it would last long. Anyway, I've lost .3 of a pound. But, I guess thats good because I probably gained half a pound that day. Anyway, now I have 5 days left.

I want to lose a pound in 5 days. My excersise will be my furious house cleaning. I've had scrambled eggs with provolone cheese and ham this morning. Thats about 350 calories. Zero Carbs. I've come to this weird conclusion that for every calorie I eat, that's an equal equivolant to a minute I don't eat. That will be how I space out my meals.

350 Calories = I dont eat again for 400 minutes. If your wondering how I came to this conclusion, I multiplied 24 * 60 = 1440, thats how many minutes there are in the day. I was doing this for a whole different reason, when I realized that it's the same as my RMR. My RMR says I burn about 1450 calories a day. So, 1 calorie per minute. So if I dont eat for 350 minutes, I burn all my breakfast. If I dont eat for another 50 minutes, I burn another 50 calories from various other places.

My RMR is how many calories I burn while doing nothing. Including sleep, so, since I've been so crazy this week and anxious about school I haven't been able to sleep, and when I can't sleep I usually eat. My doctor prescribed me some sleeping pills for when I can't sleep so I've been taking advantage of them this week.

So, I can eat what I want during the day, I just have to make sure that I have enough minutes in between each meal. I leave enough minutes between eating and sleeping, that way when i sleep I can use the sleeping minutes to burn calories from "various" other places.

So like, breakfast, 350 calories, then i wont eat for 400 minutes, then, lunch, 200 calories, so I wont eat for 250 minutes, then dinner, say, 150 calories, then I have to stay awake and do something for 150 minutes. This also provides me reason not to eat dinner. Because I want to sleep. But if I sleep directly after, then thats 150 minutes of my sleep just to burn off dinner. I would rather burn off dinner when Im awake and not hungry, and be hungry while I'm asleep, and not pay attention to it. Do you get it??? Am I making any sense?

Beyond the fact that this is my RMR, I'm also doing other things during the day. So, I'm probably burning more then 1400 calories per day anyway. Im probably burning like, 1800. So, I only eat like, 1000 calories a day. Or more. And it doesnt really matter what I eat, well I mean it does and it doesnt, but I can allow myself to cheat, as long as I have enough minutes to make up for it.

Plus I have to be burning mad calories with all the scrubbing I'm doing.

Anyway so my weight not moving sucks, but I'm atleast okay with my weight right now that I can be patient with it. You know, like, Im not 190lbs like I was in June, Im 160, which is only 5 pounds more then what I was this time last year. So people will see me and be like, oh you traveled the world and gained 5 lbs! so what! not like, damn, you traveled the world and gained 35 lbs?? damn.

so, I'm atleast okay with how I look. but I still need to lose 15 pounds. If I did some proper excersise this might happen more quickly, and I used to exercise like crazy but I just keep putting it off. I think its because I know that my college dorm room is conveniently RIGHT NEXT DOOR, to the gym. I dont mean like, seperate buildings, I mean like, the room over. So I can run at like midnight when I'm getting the crazies.

Anyway my mom just texted me and asked me if the house was spotless.

i dont know what to say, "yes, ive cleaned like a mad woman" or
"no, its not clean but only in the eye of a mad woman"

So yeah. these are all the reasons I ahvent been around COE_BED, or lol_Anaz, or commenting on all you wonderful people who are awesome's LJ.

Basically because I'm insane.
You probably wouldnt care what I have to say about your LJ entries anyway, why? because I'm crazy.

I hate this fucking tom cruise AD on the side of my LJ all the time. Seriously, why does tomcruise.com even exist? Fucking scientologists.

There's a scientology church down the street from me. Im pretty sure the only people Ive ever seen enter it are vandalizing teenagers/tourists.

end.

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 00:28:12 GMT

More then 80% of Subway delays in Manhattan is due to crash dieters passing out in the train or on the platform.

Sun, 17 Aug 2008 03:15:33 GMT

so i was doing really good and then i got high. and i was like, ok cool, this speeds up my metabolism. so i didnt eat with all my friends and i was really good and proud of myself when i came home to thise huge barbeque and i was sitting at my seat and i was like, no thanks dad im not hungry. ill just have some chicken. and he's like, no no no, here, here try this, and he continues to hand me corn, and i put it down and say no and he insists, then im served this enormous meal which i eat very slowly and i only have one plate. im already efeling bad when my dad brings out magnolias cupcakes which he KNOWS are my favorite, and continues to tell me just to have one and that it will be okay.
this was right after i told him i was trying to lose weight and he said he's support me.

uughhhh must eat one can of tuna for next week.

Sat, 16 Aug 2008 18:41:55 GMT

if you're wondering why i havent been posting often, it's because im having an on going panic attack about being ready for college. im having this continuous battle like, "need to do this" "must make a list" "must do everything on the list this very moment or i will die"

then i sit with my mom and she understands the annoyances of having a panic attack. and so i keep asking her, what else do i need to do, she says, thats all, and i dont believe her. so we sit again for like 2 minutes, have a sip of tea, and i say, what else do i need to do? she says nothing. this happens a few more time's and she says "you need to take a xanex" lol. it's so true.

im making a little calendar of the things i need to do. no i mean, im making a calendar of how much weight i need to lose. when i get to school im going to weigh myself the next morning on the new scale, and see what the weight difference is like (those damn lying scales). my idea is to be minus 6 to 8 pounds by october first. this would other wise be really easy but I feel like my body wants these few extra pounds. I'm getting to the point where it keeps going slowly. I think I'm going to do a little crash diet sunday and monday. pretty much split two cans of tuna between three days, and do some exercycling. I just want to take advantage of having no social life (because we all know social life revolves around food) so i want to take advantage of these last and finals days of having excercycles in my room and no pressure to be around or eat food.

im going to meet with my trainer twice this week. i know i burn 700 or more calories in an hour of working out with him. he also does interval training, so ill be burning more for 24 hours after our work out. I figure if I stick to really low calorie/all protein for about 4 days and work out with him on day 1 and 3 of my little crash diet, i should lose a pound and a half. then i have three more days this week to just walk alot and not eat much. then I'll be moving in on the 23rd and with all the heavy lifting and boxes ill be moving up 6 stories of stairs, im sure i'll lose like .4 of a lb. plus if i stay all protein ill be in ketosis in 3 days. so, ill have to lose weight this week. i just want to lose 3 lbs this week. and then i will be okay losing 1 lb a week after that.

umm, someone give me their opinion.

Sat, 16 Aug 2008 12:42:00 GMT

1 pound 5 days.
urgh. it's starting to go slowly.
weigh in at 160 lbs. my goal is to lose 2 pounds this week. then anywhere from 1 to 2 pounds per week after that.

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 17:55:57 GMT

three weeks ago: 175
today: 161

is that even possible? yesterday morning ( I always weigh myself in the morning after water weight), i weighed 163. i know i didn't lose tissue weight (not a pound of it anyway.)

this doesnt make sense. 4 weeks ago I did a 10 day fast, and at the end of it I was 179. I weigh myself once a week since then. I obv had already lost weight and water weight because i had fasted for ten days.

so i'm pretty sure that was my real weight 4 weeks ago.

The weird thing is I have been eating. I've been eating, alot? it seems like. I have two eggs and ham and cheese for breakfast, chicken and a hot dog for lunch, and usually a steak for dinner. (dont want to hear about balanced diets, mr & mrs. nutrition) I even had three peices of cake 5 days ago.

so, thats like, 19 pounds in four weeks. That can't be healthy? What is that weight anyway? Where did it go and what is it? i don't look 20lbs smaller.

I should be really happy with these results, and I am. And I can't wait to see how much more I will lose before I go to school. The reason I'm not TOTALLY, happy, is because I was 150 in January. That was what I weighed, before any weight gain. So I still have 11 more pounds to lose before I'm back to my "normal" size. And then I want to lose 5 more pounds then that, and I will be happy. I want to weigh btwn 140-145.

So I have 2 more weeks before I go to school. Ideally, I would like to weigh about 155 by then. Three pounds a week? That will be pretty tough, but recently it's been going so fast that I feel like it's actually attainable.

Idk, what do you guys think, 6 pounds in two weeks sound too high for a goal? I would really like to hear peoples thoughts on this.
Plz.

Sat, 09 Aug 2008 13:15:26 GMT

today is my 18th birthday. i woke up and saw this ballon moving around my room at a very rapid pace, so when i looked over to see what was going on i found that it was attached to my kittens collar. he was SO CONFUSED. it was adorable.

!!

kat loves her katten.

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 13:35:51 GMT

MY KITTEN IS BEGINNING TO WORRY ME.
he's really cute, and I'm not even sure I would consider him a kitten anyore. he would be like 8 or 9 in human years, except he's a katten.
he does this really cute thing where he spins in circles chasing his tail and then he loses balance on his feet and just tumbled around the room rapidly on his back while chasing his tail. so pretty much he's doing summersaults, and it's insanely cute because it looks a little bit like a cartoon and it's very comical.

but he wears himself out, he just keeps jumping around on on things and chasing things that don't exist to the point that he has his mouth hanging open and he is panting. and even then he wont stop. last night i picked him up and brought him over to the kitchen where i made some dinner for him and put alot of water in it so he would hydrate, and while he was walking over to his kitty plate so excited, he stopped and just took a nap mid way. he couldn't even make it to his food! that is very unlike him.

he did it again this morning, jumping around until he was beyond tired, and he wouldnt stop or drink any water so i put water on my finger and held him, and then kept putting water on his nose so he would lick it off. I'm just worried that he's going to overheat himself. when i was in africa on the game reserve it was always so important when doing game capture (not to hunt, to move to a seperate bigger reserve) to keep the animals from overheating while running into their cages. particularly with the big cats. animals just dont know when to stop to the point that they could hurt themselves and ultimately die. this worries me with my katten. his name is Jack by the way. I will post a picture of him at some point. Its difficult to get him to look at the camera, as you can imagine.

Every morning he comes into my room and comes up to my shoulder and nuzzles in so we're face to face, and then we sleep. its really insanely cute. if he doesnt come up to my face i usually look sit up and look around the room for him, and as soon as we make eye contact he jumps right over to sleep.

i brought him to the vet 2 days ago. and he was so good. with my other cat (Paolo, he was beautiful and had blue eyes, bluer then any human i've ever met. my neighbor ran him over, i was so devistated) my other cat would get really frantic and we had to have tons of nurses come in and hold him down when we went to the vet, because he was so crazy. he would growl and hiss from the moment we stepped into the vet parking lot.

But Jack is different, I've never heard him growl, or hiss, and he's 3 months old now. He's so good natured. He makes these throaty sounds and squeeks, its just so adorable. everytime i say his name he responds.

anyway back to the vet, the when the vet picked him up jack started kissing him and cuddling with him, and the vet said to me, "not all cat's are like this. you got the perfect kitten" it made me so happy. Jack is cool because on his tummy he has leopard spots. i've never seen anything like it before.

anyway, as you can tell im kind of an animal fanatic. I love cats. My name is kat. My zodiac sign is Leo the Lion, and people always tell me I have cat eyes.

On another note, I've lost 6lbs. I'm pretty physched about that. I know I shouldn't really listen to my scale, but I only get on it early in the morning after i use the bathroom and such, the night before I always have smooth move to clear out my system to get an accurate scale #. the last time I was on it was about 10 days ago, and I was 170.7 Today I am on my period (which I usually gain water weight from) and I'm 164.2 The greantest part of it is that I've been eating 3 meals a day, and never feeling a hunger pang.
t5
I'm on the Atkins diet, and I know, everyone says that i shouldnt, but I've read the book, and I plan on making this a life style change. Anyway it's awesome that I've lost 6lbs eating eggs and cheese for breakfast and turkey burger for lunch and a steak for dinner, in a week. Granted some of that is water weight, but you know that feeling when you're going to sleep and you can feel your body losing weight? I dont know, it feel like little people under your skin moving around and taking tiny little subcutaneous fat cells and throwing them out of your body. lol. I'm an artist, i visualize these things.

Anyway, if I keep up this progress then I should be my goal weight by the time I go back to school. My goal weight is 155, which is how much I weight in January, before I went abroad (again) and gained all this weight. I think when I came home in June I was pushing 183lbs. So that means as of now I have lost 19lbs since June 23rd. I know that's a little fast, but now that I'm closer to 155 I intend to keep it at a steady pace of 2-3lb loss per week. I'll give myself some leeway once I get to school and just make it so that I can atleast lose 1 pound a week. So hopefully, if I don't binge, which I don't think I will. I'll be 158 by August 25th, (18 days, atleast 7lbs, thats about 2.5lbs a week), a pound a week after that, and by Thanksgiving I will be, 148. By christmas I hope to be 145, or under.

That would be wonderful. I just have to be good at school, and stay strong.. I hope I can. i think this time I will. Being thin just means more to me then eating cookies.

My birthday is on Saturday, I'll be 18. A part of me is excited, while another part os me is like, I shouldve been 18 a while ago. I finished highschool when i was 16 and then went away to different countries, where the drinking age was 18 and I was 17. It didn't really matter though, everyone still served me. But still, it would have been easier and more fun to turn 18 in any other country. I still have to be 19 to by cigarettes here, I dont even smoke, I just want the right of passage thing. I already have 2 tattoos, and I've already been skydiving. So, I guess that leaves.. well, I can vote, but I've already registered, so, I guess I can join the army if I felt so compelled. Whatever.

I dont have any friends in my town, so I'm not havng a birthday party with my friends. On my birthday my mom and I are throwing a mojito & tequila sunrise party, with a big cake from Magnolia's bakery (the best cake in new york. Im getting a 3 layer nine inch Red Velvet cake) ordering pizza, having my brothers and sisters over, their friends are coming (which is always really fun) and my moms friends are coming. I know it sounds lame, but family gatherings are just really fun because my family is insane. And so are our friends.

On friday night me and my dad and my brothers are going into the City to a mexican restaurant, and afterwards we're seeing the dark Knight (again) but this time, on IMAX at lincon center. That will be fun.

Anyway so I'm looking forward to this weekend. I've already looked at the menu for the 4-star mexican restaurant, and I found myself an atkins friendly meal. I'm only going to have 1 slice of pizza, and at that i'll only eat the peperoni and cheese. And hell yes, I am eating cake on my birthday. I've been saving up calories for it. (lol)

oh, and im addicted to raspberry vvintage seltzer.

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 04:08:47 GMT

i drank some absinthe tonight. hmmm. i feel fat now. must. work.out.

my kitten is locked in the kitchen (we keep him there at night) and i can hear him at the door meowing really softly and sadly and i feel really bad and want to hug him. ummm. i think im going to go get him.

someone on lol-anaz keeps posting things that aren't rlly that funny.

i think im going to pee my pants.

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 02:06:55 GMT

sick and tired of; my mind.

sick and tired of; people constantly giving me *and everyone else in the world* the cure to fatness, yet telling me that every-body is unique.

sick and tired of; living in a town where i have no friends.

Montclair... I left this town so many years ago and I have no way of getting back into the "social scene" in fact im pretty confident that i dont want to. but you know what i have always envied? that everyone seems to have some kind of close knit friendship. that friendship that evolves over the course of highschool and will last you for the rest of your life.

Unfortunately, and fortunately, I never stuck around in one place long enough to create these friendships.

I went to four highschools, graduated after being in highschool for 2 and a half years, and then i did a wonderful thing called; traveling the world! nd hell, it was a wonderful year, i got to go to 5 awesome countries and live in them. 3 of these countries, i didn't even speak their language. i had to learn! it was awesome. And although I may have the better life experiences then any other 17 year old girl I know, i still don't have the friendship that those senior girls have, the ones who actually look forward to coming home from college, or boarding schools, or the woods, or another country. I never look forward to coming home. I love my family but beyond my family there really isn't much here for me.

all there is.. is the anxiety i feel when i leave my house. the anxiety that i feel when i look in the mirror and wonder what happened to the happy 8th grader that once lived. could that really be the last time i was happy? because im thinking it was. since then there has just been a domino effect of kicked out of this school; kicked out of that school; live in the woods for 5 months; go to a lockdown boarding school for what was supposed to be 3 years until i finished highschool (but with a little determination and rule breaking, i got my diploma in 9 months!)- i remember that phone call.

Dad: hello?
me: Hey dad! it's kat! how are you?
dad" Im good hunny! how are you??
me: I'm great. I'm graduating highschool next week! And I've been accepted to 5 colleges and a scholarship!
Dad: ..... (silence) hm, what?
me: yeah i havent told you because i didnt want to break the surprise until i was positive but im getting my diploma! and i got my acceptance leters.

the rest of the conversation was just him asking how, going back and forth between my dad and the staff at school, and me being unbelievabley happy that i was leaving. I didn't have to sleep one more night in this place, i no longer had to look out the window to see the horizontally inturupted sunset- by the bars on the windows. by the women that followed me to the bathroom. by the lady who called me number 427.

and then i took the next flight to india.

10 months and a lot more countries, a hell of a year, alot happier, and here I am. wonderful.

somehow i think traveling the world lowered my self esteem. i used to be pretty happy with the way i looked. but then i traveled the world.. and saw all the other beautiful people. and realized, i would be lucky to be amongst them.

but i still don't have any friends.
not on this continent.

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 13:12:44 GMT

I'm increasingly frustrated that I have so many questions as to how my body works and yet I cannot seem to find one answer. I search things on the internet, but with so many people trying to make money off of dieting / people trying to teach people a "correct" so they dont develop eating disorders, it's hard to sift through and actually figure out what's real. Also, I've talked to nutritionists before and they all tell me the same thing but yet can't seem to answer my questions that go a little bit more in depth then "what should I eat?" it's like that's the only thing they know how to answer and they have one answer that they hit "repeat" to every client.

So where do I go to figure out how my body works? All in all I think I should just become a nutritionist because the body never ceases to fascinate me. However, I kind of can't do that now that I'm going to art school. Oh well. I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up transferring which is the kicker of it all because I have so many interests that go outside the realm of art but I didn't have any good advice when I was making the decisions that would decide the rest of my life. Bleah. Frustration, yet again.

Um anyway I had a mini-binge last night that only had about 900 calories. I think that made my daily intake at like, 2200 for yesterday. But I also was on the treadmill all morning yesterday for like 2 hours, and so apperantly I burned 965 calories. I don't really trust the calorie burned number on my treadmill though. that would take me to daily intake being like, 1300 hundred, which is supposedly the healthy range but, who really knows these days. Overall, I'm pretty sure I didn't lose any weight yesterday. That sort of sucks.

I'm noticing the increasing trend in my livejournal posts that they all have to do with food or weight or calories. I'm sorry I'm not a little bit more interesting, but you have to understand that this is the only thing I think about, and since I am too self-concious to leave my house, and since I have to go to school in 3 weeks (too short of a time to get a job) this is the only thing I really need to think about. Which is awesome and sucks all at once.

In other news, my sister stole my credit card. I got the bill yesterday, and apperantly she stole it to the tune of about 3000$. Three, thousand, incase you had an issue with zero's. The big giveaway that she was the thief was that her boyfriend was in the hospital emergency room on July 25th, and on July 25th there was a charge made at none other then.. The hospital gift shop! Oh, Tara, try to be a little more discreet next time.

Another give away was how many times there was charges made at the A&P (local grocery store) - each for about 30 dollars. What really ticks me off is knowing that these multiple spendings were all made to binge food, and were properly disposed of in the toilet about 30 minutes after consuming. What ticks me off even more is knowing that she get's to have the satisfaction of eating all her favorite foods and remain a size zero. Now, I'm aware I should under no circumstances be jealous of a bulimic, but me and her do the same thing, except that I'm a size 12 and.. she's a zero. Also, she spent my fucking money. Thanks, go ahead, use my money to slowly commit suicide, and look absolutely great while your doing it! I'll do the same thing, and be fat! Even though, um, I work out everyday, and you don't.

Once again I have a question that no one can seem to answer.
Everyone is always preaching about how many calories to eat per day. But what about how many calories to eat per week? Does it matter how you a lot these numbers? Say, I'm supposed to eat 10,000 calories a week to lose weight. Can I eat 5,000 calories in two consecutive days and not eat for the rest of the week and continue to lose weight? How long does it take before the extra calories I consume get turned into fat, and blah. Ugh. I hate not understanding. This question is going to end up taking up about 4 paragraphs if I don't stop myself now.

I wish my body could speak to me. And tell me what to do. The sad thing is, it's attached to me. And I have no way of listening to it. I need to have some external force tell me how the thing that is attached to me works. Isn't there something a little bit wrong about that? Hm, not understanding.

PS. the new facebook is a bugout. ppl should add me though; http://www.new.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1001995416

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 17:06:39 GMT

posting alot today. hm oh well.

therapist told me last week to draw an image of the bad decision person that lives within me.
anyway, this was my first sketch:

yep, that's the bitch that lives on my right shoulder.
i'll probably make it more detailed version @ some point later.

Motivation to not over eat.

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 14:19:26 GMT

this question was just asked in coe_bed.

and im sitting there thinking, well, for one, i wont gain anymore weight then i already have.
i wont spend all this cash on something that will be gone in an hour
i will be able to buy/or not buy, a box of cookies and have them last for more then a night.

but the problem with these motivations, is that,
1. the motivation to not gain anymore weight is very easily disregaurded to me. I have this inherant idea that because i'm well porportioned, that one day of eating whatever i want can't possibly make me gain weight. however, i still tend to disregaurd the "not if this one day is every day" idea. some how i think i am above the world, above the laws of physics, and i act as though i really AM going to get on the treadmill tomorrow (chances are unlikely)
2. money isn't an issue. i always disregaurd this. like, what the fuck? money is so important and yet i spend thousands of dollars a year on binge food alone. but yet, in the moment, i disregaurd this. also, cafeteria food is prepayed for- all you can eat. so, once again. disregaurd.
3. I actually find some kind of fucked up enjoyment in consuming a whole box of cookies at once. I can't have just one. it doesnt matter if im hungry or not. just one, is not enjoyable. a whole box however.. thats fucking fun. why is it fun? it just is.

i really need to find some motivation that will actually stick around. because when i think of it, i really really really enjoying my binges. it's the effect they have afterwards that i hate.

so maybe that's my motivation? afterwards i wont feel so miserable.

once again, for every up there's an equal down. so.. without binge, there is no happy feeling.

maybe the question is, where can i find this happy feeling? is it when the scale drops? yeah. i love that. but that's not nearly as immediate.

umm. wtf.
oh and ps.
immediate happy moments = binge
lasting feeling of unhappy moments = after binge

working out = immediate unhappy moment
after working out = lasting happy moment.

DUH DUH DUH why dont i just trade binges for working out?
if only it was that easy.

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 12:40:36 GMT

so Im actually beginning to think i have a problem regaurding weight (not eating disorder, LOL god i've know that's been a problem for ages.)

but mostly because no matter how little i eat i do not lose weight. I am stuck at 170lbs. just... not budging. I keep running and exercising etc but the weight remains. For a few weeks now too. I know it can't be a plateau because well, i'm not anywhere near average weight. I'm overweight ya knowz?

Urghhh....
*curls up*

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 16:20:41 GMT

does anyone know if ipecac syrup is still being sold over the counter? do you need a perscription/ to be 18 to get it?

just wondering. not planning on using it.. just not sure if it's still even available.

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 14:56:13 GMT

i really fucking hate myself.
i feel like when i was 13 i was alot prettier. im only 17 now, but with this age i feel like i have gotten significantly worse looking.
i used to look in the mirror and be semi satisfied with what i saw,
but then i traveled the world
and saw all the beautiful people.
and suddenly, i wasn't one of them anymore.

i hate the fat on my body, and i hate that i love food. and i hate that there is any correlation between food and fat.
it also strikes me, why would god, or whatever created earth depending on your beliefs, make things that are "bad for you" or not meant to be eaten in excess, taste so damn good? wouldnt there be some sort of survival thing, like, say, poison berries taste like crap, so you dont eat them, so you dont die? wouldnt that likewise be the same for something like chocolate, given that it's makes you fat and less likely to be able to run swiftly to dodge lions that may have been hunting you (back before humans isolated ourselves from nature).
you would think that the creator would make healthier things more appealing, that way humans were naturally more inclined to eat them. then this brings me to the idea that maybe, it's not that we actually enjoy chocolate more then we enjoy celery, but it's that we have the connotation of what chocolate is. such as, when we were a child we were rewarded with chocolate, and ate this on special occasions, or when we were good one day we got to go to mcdonalds. maybe it would have helped if my parents like.. punched me in the face everytime i asked for chocolate. then i would never want that ish, and in turn, i would be thin. (although, i would have plenty of other issues if my parents ever hit me for asking for chocolate. lolz)

I hate that there is some stupid medium to losing weight. eat too much= get fat, eat to little= minimize weight loss. UGH. this nature was blatantly not made for extremists yet we have so many of them. and i am one of them. eat all or eat nothing, baby. sorry, it doesnt work like that. *still in denial about this*

which leads me to my belief, that starvation mode, doesnt really exist. nope. i refuse to believe it. if i continue to not eat, i will lose weight. i will lose it faster then any body builder that tells me i need to be eating 1500 calories per day. sorry, those rules don't apply to me. [/denial]

i want to be thin and i'm not. i can push the fat on the side of my hips, i can feel the fat growing on me and i am seriously crying right now because i dont understand why it just wont come off. why wont it come off, and why wont it happen this very instant. ughhhgfhiyuhefchdkjgjjrgjvljfefhvjcnzeiowurp FRUSTRATION.

i hate this i hate this i hate this.
it's annoying too, because i feel like since i have all this fat on me, i'm not able to do anything else. i can only work out and not eat. make up doesnt look good on me, clothes dont look good on me, i dont want to get a manicure, i dont want to do anything because it wont look good on me, because im fat.

ps i hate that this world believes beauty is thin. i continue to come to this realization everyday that being thin really isn't that attractive, yet i am striving for it anyway because it is more attractive then what i currently am. and im not losing weight anymore. i was 167 last wednesday and today i am 169. ugh ugh ugh. granted i had a big chew/spit binge but that was only one day. and im pretty sure i didnt go over 2000 calories. but who knows what my BMR really is, now a days.

i often go to the supermarket and stand in the aisles of the snack section and look at the calories in all the cookies. all of my favorite treats. sometimes just reminding myself of how many calories makes me not want to eat it. [sometimes. acutlaly, usually not. but it's my way of getting really close to food i know i will never be able to consume]

why do i love food so much? and why is it that the thing i love the most effects me so directly.
wouldnt that suck? if your hobby made you fat? like if you really loved to paint but the more you paint the fatter you got?
well my hobby is eating. and i dont fucking want to give it up, but i feel like i have no choice.

like i said, extremist. i can have one, but not the other. so, i guess i've just had to make that choice.

*cries*
i am fat.
and impatient.
i just... want.. it to come off.

*frustration**frustration*
usually there is something i can do about things like this. some kind of loophole in the system. unfortunately, in this situation. there is not.
*frustration*

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 05:33:57 GMT

Hmm this has been on my mind. Today me and my friend were pointing out each others flaws (thats how you can tell a real friend from a non real one.) anyway, he pointed out that i can tend to have a "bit of a snoby side to me"

this got me thinking.

yes, it's true, i have a very big elitist complex. i hate to admit it, but there's a small part of me that believes I am somehow better then another person because I feel as though I am somewhat more "experienced" - in that, everything you have experienced, i have x10. and everything you have done that i haven't, i am going to do. i have absolutely no sympathy for people who self-pity themselves, and i often give myself the excuse that "they just need to grow out of it" when in reality I also know that I too am capable of self-pity. I just believe it's "childish" because I was "raised" (i put that in quotations because it wasnt really my mother that enforced this, it was more the therapeutic wilderness/bootcamp/boarding school) anyway I was "raised" in a tough love environment. due to this tough love, i was taught to never complain, always pull myself out of a rut, & I've been in some fucking huge ruts sometimes.
Anyway, so due to this tough love i somehow believe that this is the atedote to everyone. that everyone will learn how to pull themselves out of a crisis if I simply ignore their self pity. However, when i do this i also have this feeling of "i did it, so you can to! just fucking get over it!"

anyway, i really hate this about myself. i really hate that my mind thinks this way. i hate feeling superior to someone, and i hate that my mind tries to prove this all the time.
to over compensate for this annoying little bitch in the back of my mind, i often stay quiet about situations. i tend to lay off, act very kindly towards people and never tell them anything about my previous life. I'm too afraid that telling them about the situations in my past, because i feel like the bitch in the back of my head will be exposed. like, if i was to mention something about pulling myself out of a bad situation, and how i think everyone should be able to suck it up and deal with it, because this is how i learned.

im afraid that if people really saw my elitist bitch exposed, then they would see who i truly am, and i hate that person!!! because she is so stupid.

truly, i know that people are people, and i am constantly seeing people for what they CAN be, and not what they are. this is both good and bad.
A. I see the maximum potential of people, but
B. I don't love them if they aren't living up to that potential.
Why?
because I was forced to.. I was forced to live up to my potential to get out of lockdown,
but just because others haven't yet, or aren't at the moment, living up to their full potential, is no reason for me to look down on them.

ugh. Does anyone else have some little bitch in the back of their mind that they silence by over compensating in some way?

like, almost as if my external self esteem issues, such as weight, or being very shy, and very kind, is covering up my inner cocky superior driven elitist bitch that really exists within me. because i hate the person that i truly believe I am, i am making up for her by being.. uncocky. undercocky, if you will.

basically, my over analysis of weight is due to my over analysis of the person who im afraid i am.

is this making any sense?
lol i hope no one hates me now.

i need to up my vocab so that i can get my point across more easily.

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 15:44:23 GMT

I hate being able to feel the fat on my body. I absolutely hate it. Impatience. I think that's what's generally wrong with the world.

If only we were patient. The world, society, and myself has become addicted to immediacy.

Immediate gratification- and we will go to any lengths to have this. Even if it means jeopardizing our own bodies. Or jeopardizing our planet.

this waiting game.
this weighting game.

I'm increasingly nervous about the freshman 15- I will go at any lengths to stop this. Oddly enough, the person who was assigned to be my roomate has an eating disorder. Is this a curse or a blessing? I'm sure she will be able to agonize with me about calorie intake and material things, but this could also be triggering in that my life could be largely consumed with weight (not that it already isn't, i was hoping college to distract me in some way or another)

i hate being fat.

ps on the fat note

the other day while before I binged I went to the supermarket and bought all the crap food there was, i also complimented this nice grocery basket with a box of laxitives. needless to say my cash register gave me a comment, "sweet tooth?" my remark was; "oh, just havin a little party today" - that wasn't a lie. i did have a party. it just wasn't social, as I was the only person invited.

anyway, im addicted to ed_ucate - i want to ask about chewing and spitting, but it seems to be more of a discussion based community. I wish someone could just give me an answer about this.

chewing and spitting, i have had so many different answers, here are a few:

you absorb 80% of the calories (*really* in denial on this one)
you aborb 20% of cals
you absorb only the sugars
"calories absorb are negligable. the only calories consumed or digested in your mouth are those of inverted sugar such as honey. since food is not being completely digested, enzymes are never broken down -not digested and therfor not absorbed. however, even though you do not take in any calories the mere suggestion of food spikes your insulin increasing appetite, & making it very easy to gain weight and very difficult to lose" (src: http://www.vegsource.com/talk/eatingissues/messages/9626.html )

um.. so do you see where I'm confused? this is making me insane, i need to know.

PS, anyone know about laxatives? I've been using them for ages and I've always been pretty sure that they dont really do anything as far as calorie absorbtion or intake etc, i just take them because it makes me feel like atleast I'm doing SOMETHING about what's in me. If they're not effective, why do so many people continue to use them during a binge? is everyone else just like me in that they just take them to make them feel "cleaner" in a sense?

can someone PLEASE give me straight forward answers on these questions, I've asked at dylans_corner but apperantly, dylan has left his corner. anyway, i've been going insane and doing too much research and googling and i just dont know who to ask. urgh.

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 02:06:50 GMT

no one commented on my proud moments. sadness.
anyway, serious lulz at 24/7 today. it's mind boggeling because its eating disorders vs. eating disorders but with two very different approaches to the disease. one community likes to support one another in killing themselves slowly, the other likes to laugh at people who "want" this disease. but in reality we're all just looking for some sense of community to satisfy our self esteem because we can't get it from anywhere else.
does that make sense?
anyway, i told my mom about my binge this weekend, it's not like it wasn't obvious though, since there's absolutely no food left in the house.

im really afraid to step on the scale, i cant imagine what i would do if that number went up. Im just going to wait a few weeks.

someone should comment on my previous post though.

i decided I should draw a picture of the person inside me who i feel binges, anyway, im picturing a short fat person with a face that looks like mine, lol. I'll post it at some point.

I need to sleep.

and stop being so insane.

chewing and spitting makes you absorb 90% of the calories, and if this is true, well then, i think im going to gain 54632879 lbs.

PS. this reminds me of wanna's- faking it.
http://www.shootthestupid.com/2008/07/07/faking-it/

2008- most proud moments.

Sun, 27 Jul 2008 18:07:50 GMT

that tat on the back of my neck was designed by me and inspired by maori art.
the tat of the sun was DONE by me, i did it to myself, when i was about 15. the pictures of me and the three girls sitting was waiting for a tibetan festival to start. when it finally did start there were hundreds of people there and i got intenstines thrown on me. kardung la is in the himalayas, the highest point i was at while i was on my trek. lions, elephants, two bungee jumps, a jump off a 700 foot building in new zealand, a heart of buffalo in my yard on my way back from the pub, a skydive and a drawing of james dean that i did on an airplane.
been a good year.
im sorry i cant figure out how to use my cut.

PS. i have nothing left to do for my 18th birthday.
2 more weeks until the big day.

Sun, 27 Jul 2008 00:57:26 GMT

and the binge continues.

today was a waste of a day. i bought food and chewed and spit a whole box of cookies.
and a box of cereal and a box of cinnamon teddy grahams.

then i ate a pizza and furiously attempted to vomit it and failed.

cried, cried some more, worried about it, opened the freezer to discover a pint of haagen daaz ice cream, scooped some up and put a wonderful topping on it... a bottle of super stimulant exlax!
I ate this furiously, hopped on the treadmill, ran for about 20 minutes and then went upstairs to my room and watched movies and pathetically crawled from the bathroom to my bed for the rest of the day. tomorrow morning will be the clean up and i would really really die if my mother came home early.

anyway, so in all i think i have consumed about 10,000 calories in two days. that is, 3lbs. that is,
3 extra pounds. I told my mom today when she called that i wasnt feeling well and that i think i was going to do the master cleanse (fast) this week. I think i'm just going to not eat until my birthday. shouldn't be too difficult. When my mom comes home I am going to get on the treadmill. Three times a day, 900 calories, plus my disc, that would mean im burning 1045 calories a day through working out, plus an extra say, 1500 through simply existing,
2545 will be my daily burning,
so, umm if i dont eat until my birthday i should be making up for my binge, and then some. it sucks i set myself back a couple pounds, not really thinking its worth it but it also only takes a week to 2lbs of fat.
i dont know why i even bother with exlax, laxatives arent an efficient way of purging anyway.

there is still a box of cookies left in the basement that i have been contemplating chewing and spitting or just consuming, i have been contemplating this all day, meanwhile i am running to the toilet.

the battle.
me vs. food

i feel like there is fat seeping out of every limb in my body now. ughhhh.
my kitten cannot figure out WHAT the hell im upto.

i dont even think i can.

Inability.

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 15:34:09 GMT

It's most struggeling when your body has gotten over your eating disorder but your mind hasn't.

Before bingeing I put all my seltzer cans, glasses of warm salt water and pepper, and food, and lied it out in my big bathroom. I continued to eat and eat and eat and in the middle I wondered if maybe this time i could make it happen again. I downed two seltzers, forced down the concoction and put three fingers down my throat, heaving, heaving, nothing.

heave, heave, nothing.
i grab my toothbrush and stick it down my throat with my other three fingers,
heave, heave, nothing.

Stood up, tried it again.
nothing.
again
nothing.
again.
nothing.

so it threw out the rest of my food and sat there crying.
i cant get it out.
i feel like screaming
no no no no no no no
no no no
don't leave me

will this be my forceful recovery?
to be completely honest with you i dont want to.
how crazy it may sound i like it.

the feelings i get from these moments are unequivical to anything i have experienced in the past.
and now they are gone.

ill just get fat. [er]

i sound so stupid.

167

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 23:06:40 GMT

I just got back from the movies with my brother, we saw (guess!) dark night. I have to say, usually when i watch a movie I focus on how bad the acting is and then question how half of the people in hollywood ever managed to get there, but in this situation, I was completely blow away by Heath Ledgers performance. I can go into great detail as to why I believe he deserves an Oscar for this, but overall- just fucking amazingly talented. It's so upsetting knowing that he died due to a bad combination of prescribed drugs.

I wont even begin to get started on why I hate prescribed drugs, but I do, I don't believe that there is anything wrong with most people that they cannot fix themselves through figuring out the true core of their problems. Or maybe I'm just a brainwashed Buddhist.

Speaking of Buddhism, I was in Dharamsala India earlier this year living with a Tibetan refugee family. The mother ran away from Tibet because of the Chinese invasion when she was seventeen, and hadn't seen her family since. She ran away through the mountains as they were being patrolled by the Chinese. She was pretty much my idol. Anyway, her and I meditated for ten days, and afterwards we had a private sit down meeting with His Holiness Dalai Lama and His Holiness Karmapa Lama- they gave me a red piece of string. I have had this red piece of string wrapped around my neck ever since that day. Yesterday a part of it fell off, and since I am incredibly superstitious, I'm not sure if this is a sign of good or bad.

I'll try to be an optimist.

Today I was sitting in the movie theater and I wiggled my nose. Upon doing this my whole body went numb, like, I was floating. My face detached from the rest of my body. Not even my whole head, just detached from my face. It was interesting, I kind of liked it.

Also, I received this email this morning;;

On Wed, Jul 23, 2008 at 1:53 PM, lauren maxwell <shes_a_fugly_whore@hotmail.co.uk> wrote:
heyy hope u dont mind but ig to ur email adres on tht pretty thin site.. ?? :)

enyway,, i in fast lyk yu atm bin doin since munday,, n i admit it bin ded hard lol

coz like sumtyms my mum made me fave foods n i had to go in2 starbux wich is lyk my fave place ever!! :( lol

but i stuk to it woop :D

how old are u??
an ar u from th uk?

enways, jus fort it b cwl to chat to sum1 proply das a bit like me lol (:

writ bak pls, x

my reply:

Date: Thu, 24 Jul 2008 13:02:36 -0400
From: kink008@gmail.com
To: shes_a_fugly_whore@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: Re: heyy

I understand trying to make fun of people who do not have eating disorders and who are just trying to be "trendy" and drop a few lbs, but if you are seriously sending e-mails to people that you do not know, whom you have no history of, who could possibly be seriously struggling with a medical illness, because you think it's funny, then you are seriously fucked up.
In fact, this e-mail mind boggles me so much that I would really appreciate an e-mail back with some kind of explanation as to your behavior. Are you yourself struggling from an eating disorder and feel entitled to send an e-mail like this because you think I'm a "wanarexic"? If so, I do have sympathy for you, because I sometimes feel the same humility that people are trying to take an eating disorder lightly, when in fact it's not at all. You probably know this.
Please understand that your actions have much more of an impact then you think.
Thanks, and I hope all is well for you.
Kat

Response;
On Thu, Jul 24, 2008 at 3:13 PM, lauren maxwell <shes_a_fugly_whore@hotmail.co.uk> wrote:
erm... im not sure wht ur tlaking bout...?
i only sent an email becus u sed u wnted to cht 2 frends from that ana website.. :S:S

I almost understand this e-mail, but I feel like it's taking it a step too far when you are making fun of someone who you don't know, have no idea what their history is, and you are sending them a personal email. Whatever. I am not anorexic nor have I ever claimed to be, I am not even average weight. That being said, I do not really feel like going into my background and family history with eating disorders, but I do not enjoy when people send me e-mails like this. I posted on a support website, for fucks sake.

Anyway, I'm usually not to keen on doing what my therapist tells me to, but she told me to write down my thoughts and plans to figure out my habits when it comes to eating. So this is what has been going through my mind all week. I'm hoping that by admitting this to you guys (my lj friends) I will be inadvertantly admitting to myself what I'm actually planning to do, and hopefully stop myself.

So, this weeks thoughts on eating?

My mom is leaving town tomorrow and leaving the house to me. I've been counting down the days until she leaves so that I can walk to the grocery store and by all of my favorite foods. Upon arriving home I will put on my favorite movie, and eat everything I just bought. I will do this in private and never admit it to anyone. I will write down all of the calories in the food that I've eaten, add up the calories, and then try and puke it into the toilet. Upon failure of puking in the toilet (because my gag reflex isn't really working as it should anymore), I will take laxatives, take alli pills, and then work out obsessively. I will then fast for a week. Just as I have prepared for this binge by fasting all of this week. How do I keep myself from eating? By reminding myself of the "reward" I can have tomorrow night. If I eat now, then I wont be able to tomorrow. Then next week I will spend "making up for" my "reward"

It sounds really stupid when it's all written out. I hate admitting these things because it makes me feel so silly. how is it that I can know the consequences of bingeing, yet i still do it anyway? Why don't I just eat throughout the week? Maybe it wouldn't matter. These binges aren't due to uncontrollable hunger, their due to me planning them. I just keep eating and I eat beyond the point that I'm not even hungry.

I feel so small and insignificant now.

I wonder what will happen tomorrow.

Pure stupidity. I don't believe myself sometimes.

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 23:56:50 GMT

sometimes, when I'm feeling really vulnerable, I go online to shoprite.com and make a list of all the things I want to binge on
and then I look at how many calories each thing has in them.
I like to hear people talk about how they enjoy eating.
Eating a cookie doesn't scare the shit out of them.

my heart is killing me. seriously. for a minute i thought i was having a heart attack.

170lbs.

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 13:18:00 GMT

In March my fat neighbor ran over my cat-intentionally.

My mother never called to tell me this because she knew how upset I would be. She knew that no one could fully understand the tears I would shed for him.

When I came home, I met our new kitten. His name is Jack. I love him to pieces, but he thinks I'm his mother.

Whenever he wakes up from a nap he crawls onto me, takes both of his paws and grasps my face, and starts licking my lips. I pull him away and he continues to do this. Is my cat trying to seduce me? I wonder.

Then he procedes to start nursing on my eyelid. I pull him off, for many reasons.

a. it's a little perverse
b. i'm not a cat
c. i've never seen kitten food with 'acne medication flavouring' - this leads me to believe that it's probably not something my dear jacky should be tasting, let alone ingesting.

I've been trying to train him not to do this, but every morning at 6am sharp, he runs as fast as lightening to my room, hops on my bed, and tries to say good mornin to mommy. I need to learn to.. ween him off me.

In other news. I'm getting a spray tan today. Yes, it is much more expensive then sitting out in the sun, I figure it's an investment. While the rest of the world exposes their beautiful, healthy skin to the sun, causing sun spots and enhancing wrinkles at an early age, eventually leading them to spending their well earned pennies on anti-aging creams and botox, I can have the instantaneous gratification of immediate, darker, and more even tan. & if all goes as planned, maybe I can put off the botox for a few extra years.

I have more to talk about, but in an effort to not spend my day doing nothing, I'll save it for later so that I have something to do.

My life is obviously really exciting.

-Kat

PS. in my inbox this morning I received an e-mail. The subject;
how Heath Ledger can help you pay for college!

what. the. fuck.